The Problem

...and breathe. I actually took some time this morning to stop and "self-assess" what's going on. Thought that I'd share the results.

Nothing quite like having a Thanksgiving Week on the 26th, Hanging of the Greens service on the 3rd, and a Cantata on the 10th (a.k.a. 3 weeks sermon-less) to think, naively, that you will catch up.

I suddenly realized last night that I have fallen into that old familiar trap of "I'll catch up when......." That it's sort of like Reading Week, except that I have spent my "off time" doing more work instead of going to Cubs games, playing Halo, and the like. But then I stopped. I was just as busy last year with everything going on, and I took Reading Week to spend time with Julie, to rest and vegitate a bit on the 'ol couch, to take time to spend with friends. And then the real question: "Why haven't I done this over the past few weeks?" And that, well, that got me going.

And it all started flowing...you know how it works. REST? HOW COULD I REST WHEN I HAVE..... budget meetings and new members classes and session and deacons and lunch meeetings and annual meeting and visitation and...yeah.
Never had that problem at Seminary. Greek a week or so on the horizon or...time with friends? But then I remembered something that I told my Uncle this past Thanksgiving when he asked me if I was getting any real relaxation time (his Father was a minister): "I got plenty of rest at UDTS...It's easy to say, well, a Preaching Paper isn't that big of a deal in the large scheme of things. You can't say that with funeral preparations."
And no, you can't. But what I am realizing, here, is that you have to take a step back from that position, too. It's a bigger deal than a Preaching Paper...but it really isn't (in spite of what some may have you think) the biggest thing.

And so I have come to (capital t cpaital p) The Problem: I am constantly overrating myself and my ministry.

Now...don't worry. I'm not going down the "I'm worthless" road here...quite the opposite...but what I have been noticing over the past few weeks (especially over "stewardship season") is that fewer and fewer people have done the "drop-in" visit recently. And I have noticed a marked increase in comments such as, "I know your'e busy...and I don't want to burden you with unimportant things." Julie felt guilty asking me to decorate the tree this weekend! What I have realized is that my unitentional perpetual air of self-importance and busyness creates a wall of distance that really only "digs me in further." I am saying, non-verbally, "Leave me alone...I am about the WORK OF GOD. Leave your petty lives out of this." And so, really, the problem is that I really think it all rides on me.

Which brought me, this morning, to what Lyle once said in class: "The furtherance of the Gospel does not depend on me." I'm now expanding that.
The furtherance of the Gospel does not depend on this Sunday...or any Sunday. It does not depend on the 2007 budget or who is nominated to the next class of elders. It does not, in spite of what some people tell me, depend on my reponses to somebody asking me questions and trying to figure out if I'm a "liberal" or "conservative." It does not, in spite of what I feel sometimes, hinge on a single funeral. It does not depend on my ability to be insightful and/or humorous at Bible Studies. It does not depend on my ability to bring in new families. It sure...sure as anything...doesn't ride on a sermon. It does not, in spite of what I have heard, even rely on this Church.

I think that I'm slowly living out that what I have known all along. All it does rely on is a manger and a cross. It depends on a self-giving God that breathes heaven's purposes and glory into everyday life. And that divinity, just below the surface, pops out in those things that I so often ignore or minimize. Hugs. Lazy talks over coffee where you talk about the Broncos for fifteen minutes to get the courage up to get to what you really need to talk about. Prayer. Fifteen minutes talking about grandchildren at the care facility. Walks. Silence. Above all else...having and giving time to God and neighbor.

And so, bottom line, I need to realize that parish ministry is no more or no less important than seminary. The key is to take the time to find where God is moving and working and not get hung up on "my stuff." I stopped this morning...and thought. What do I treasure and draw upon from my time at seminary? The simple stuff. The unplanned stuff. The things I took the time to hear and experience. Lunches. Friends. Dicussions. Challenges. Relationships. Growth. The times I truly stopped...in and out of the classroom...

And stopped taking myself and my schedule so darn seriously.